Sexologist on lesbian fantasies and what they imply for straight ladies

Welcome to Relationship Rehab,’s weekly column fixing all of your romantic issues, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a girl perceive her sexual fantasies.

QUESTION: I’m a straight lady in her late 40s and I’ve just lately divorced my husband of 16 years. We had grown aside and it wasn’t serving both of us anymore. I really feel able to date once more however I’m uncertain about my sexuality. I’ve by no means been with one other lady nevertheless it’s one thing I’ve fantasised about through the years. I don’t wish to mess different ladies round by courting them if I’m not bisexual however how do I discover out with out giving it a attempt? I’m additionally involved about how my ex and children would take it if I began seeing a girl.

ANSWER: we’re introduced up with such inflexible binaries of sexuality. Not less than after I was rising up, we had been mainly informed there have been three choices – homosexual, straight or bisexual.

Together with this went the concept that if you happen to’re straight you might be solely ever drawn to, and have intercourse with, members of the other intercourse and if you happen to’re homosexual or lesbian, you solely have intercourse with, and are drawn to, folks of the identical intercourse.

However we, as human beings, are superbly complicated. Our sexuality is equally lovely and sophisticated. The truth is that our sexual points of interest and practices don’t all the time match with these black and white concepts.

Sexuality is numerous and versatile

Way back to 1948 famend intercourse researcher, Dr Alfred Kinsey proposed that our sexual orientation wasn’t binary, however exists on a scale which he prompt had seven totally different factors.

Extra just lately, the time period ‘heteroflexible’ has emerged to explain people who find themselves fluid of their sexual attraction and sexual behaviours.

Somebody who has beforehand thought-about themselves heterosexual can fall in love or take pleasure in a sexual encounter with somebody of the identical intercourse.

An notorious Schitt’s Creek scene described this brilliantly when David mentioned, ‘I just like the wine and never the label’.

It’s widespread for ladies to have sexual fantasies about ladies

In a complete examine, psychologist and intercourse researcher Justin Lehmiller discovered that 59 per cent of girls fantasise about intercourse with different ladies.

These fantasies don’t essentially imply you’re bisexual or that you really want a sexual encounter with a girl. Fantasies don’t all the time translate into behaviour.

However, after all, your fantasies can open you as much as a brand new world of exploration.

Methods to discover your sexuality

There are just a few methods you would possibly wish to contemplate exploring earlier than you leap into courting ladies.

• Speak to a queer-friendly therapist

• Speaking by means of your ideas out loud will help you acquire readability and construct your confidence in taking the subsequent steps.

• Join with the LGBTIQ+ neighborhood

• Contemplate connecting with others within the LGBTIQ+ neighborhood by means of books, articles, at occasions or in queer-friendly areas. There are others who’ve skilled an identical dilemma to you.

Take your time

There’s no rush to label or outline your sexual orientation. Your emotions and points of interest could evolve over time, and that’s okay. Selecting thus far ladies now doesn’t imply that you just’ll solely date ladies for the remainder of your life. Enable your self the area to discover and perceive your emotions at your personal tempo.

Be open with anybody you interact with

I hear your consideration of not wanting to harm anybody else’s emotions whilst you attempt to perceive what you need. I do know you’re not going to deliberately harm anybody.

Being open from the get-go with anybody you’re participating with can alleviate your guilt and empower them to make their very own choices.

Take it slowly with your loved ones

After such a very long time along with your ex husband, it’s going to be arduous while you begin seeing anybody – no matter their gender.

You’re proper that telling your loved ones you’re seeing a girl might trigger challenges. And, it’s possible you’ll be pleasantly shocked at how they react after they see that you just’re pleased.

Remember the fact that you’re probably a good distance from telling your loved ones about somebody. There’s rather a lot you may discover and numerous contemplate earlier than that you must inform them something about your courting life.

Isiah McKimmie is a {couples} therapist, sexologist, intercourse therapist and lecturer. To guide a session together with her, go to her web site or observe her on Instagram for extra recommendation on relationships, intercourse and intimacy. If in case you have a query for Isiah, electronic mail

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