Sam Burgess is only man to save Rabbitohs after Jason Demetriou disaster

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South Sydney’s season has plunged such repugnant lows, supporters are comparing it to the expulsion days and how much better they were.

They reckon having no team at all was pretty ordinary, but it’s nothing on dominating column inches while asylums like the Dragons and Tigers get their houses in order.

And it’s set to worsen for the Rabbits faithful, because much like meeting another one of mum’s new boyfriends, now they have to get used to some other new bloke and his promises.

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With the grapevine indicating Jason Demetriou is virtually goneski, attention has turned to who can restore the grand old club’s reputation as a top-four staple.

A role that stretches beyond the try-lines and sidelines, being Souths coach now demands a unique skill-set of energy, political savvy and a resilience to work underneath society’s elites, and the acrid stench of burning careers hanging in the air.

Competition leaders only a year ago, the Rabbitohs are now beset by internal bickering, leaks and bitchiness, and that’s just one of their scrums.

Who is the man to restore this mess?

In simple terms, the Rabbitohs need a no-nonsense alpha with the candour to identify the issues, call them out and not blame Triple M for filming interviews.

Who can tackle these peripheral headaches while rediscovering Cody Walker’s zip and Alex Johnston’s speed?

Who can rub shoulders equally with Mike Cannon-Brookes and The Burrow, all while eliciting the best out of Latrell Mitchell’s seven games per year?

The answer is obvious.

Many are claiming it’s Wayne Bennett.

That’s because the supercoach is the premier candidate for any well-stacked operation hamstrung by politics, and why he genuinely could be the next Joe Biden.

But the only old man Souths should be begging to come home is Adam Reynolds.

Yes, Bennett’s aura is unparalleled, but Souths is a nappy fire right now that demands more than a siege mentality and somnolent press conferences.

Perhaps then, the only man is Craig Bellamy.

A club in crisis is tailor made for his drill-sergeant methods, with stats revealing a clear spike in completion rates whenever your forwards are coated in spittle.

"What is Trent Robinson on?"

But while the Storm mastermind offers discipline and meticulous strategising, the last thing this playing group could handle right now is a game plan.

Nope, there’s only one man to put the boot firmly up Souths’ tailpipe:

Sam Burgess.

A delinquent crèche like the Rabbitohs demands a certain personality, and that personality is a hothead raised in working class England who played 79 minutes of a grand final with a face like avocado toast.

Burgess led Souths with distinction for years, solidifying his legacy by dragging the 2014 side to a drought-breaking premiership despite a broken cheekbone like a half-deployed airbag.

Souths don’t need the X’s and O’s of an Ivy League theorist, they need the fear of a northern accent and a bloke who carried the ball like he was raised by wolves.

But not only does the Pommy icon offer all this and a set of 135kg twin brothers who are friends with the owner, he also understands Souths’ modern culture, which is mainly favouritism and scapegoating Lachlan Ilias.

As per his dramatic divorce from the club last year, Burgess refused to keep quiet about the squad’s problems and how to nip them in the bud.

This positions him as the perfect man to conduct the hard conversations needed, even though there’d be no need once he thundered in to the dressing room and started doing shirtless push-ups.

And making Burgess even more appealing as a coach nowadays is the fact he’s actually a coach nowadays.

Currently overseeing Warrington in splendid fashion in the English Super League — leading the Wolves to second on the ladder after seven weeks — Burgess is building experience in the nuts and bolts of the game like picking sides, running a bench and formulating backline plays, the latter not seen at Souths since July 2023 when they last reached a fourth tackle.

In summary, Burgess is a mere seven games along in his career as a head coach, plus 17,000kms away and carrying beef with the current administration.

But when you’re jostling for the wooden spoon with the Titans, you’d let Cannon-Brookes himself run a video session.

Burgess is the only man who can save the Rabbitohs — but the club’s fans are aware patience is required.

But if he could be here by Saturday it would be greatly appreciated.

Dane Eldridge is a warped cynic yearning for the glory days of rugby league, a time when the sponges were magic and the Mondays were mad. He’s never strapped on a boot in his life, and as such, should be taken with a grain of salt.

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