MAFS reunion: Husband stealer’s bleeped insult stuns

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Married At First Sight’s nice wife completes her evolution to villainous husband stealer when she whirls into Sunday’s reunion dinner party with a new man and a colourful vocabulary that causes the Channel 9 censor to develop RSI from having to press the bleep button too many times.

Roll up! Roll up! The circus is back on the road and the freaks are all hitting centre stage at the big top for an encore performance.

For their first trick, they will finally unveil the show’s worst-kept secret: Jono and Ellie are together. Yawn. The thing that startles us awake? When Ellie pulls an insult out of thin air by calling the woman whose husband she stole a bleeping bleep.

JAMES WEIR:Read all the recaps here

Let’s fast-forward to the good stuff. Which couples are still together? Who cares. Please enjoy the show’s MVP Lucinda Light, dressed in a vintage gold lame jumpsuit, crooning an impromptu a cappella rendition of Give Yourself To Love.

It’s a nice sentiment that’s promptly destroyed when we cut to our other MVP Lauren as she bitterly reflects on the prospect of having to face her cheating ex-husband.

“I don’t really wanna see Jono tonight. He really f**ked me over,” she spits.

Despite Jono’s trove of text messages to co-star Ellie, Lauren doesn’t believe the two are an item.

“At the end of the day, I don’t think there’s anything going on between them,” she sighs to the others at the cocktail party.

Prepare to be blime-fibe-eb in five, four, three, two …

Everyone’s shocked. Except us, because we’ve known for months that they end up together.

The hot new couple swan around the room, obnoxiously regaling the others with tales of their romance, pausing only to peck each other with little kisses. They completely avoid Lauren but intentionally talk loud enough for her to hear every boastful word. It’s enough to make Lauren throw up her glazed Christmas ham.

“Hi Ellie!” she calls out across the room, daring the woman who stole her man to toss her a glance.

Ellie pretends not to hear.

“So rude,” Lauren scoffs. “Blanked me. Like, girl, I didn’t do anything to you! You’ve got MY sloppy seconds. You can say hi to ME. It’s just f**kin’ rude.”

At the dinner table, after everyone’s allocated their own personal carafe of aeroplane wine, Lucinda majestically tings her glass with a silver fork and offers a thoughtful toast.

“Let’s just address this straight up,” she turns to Jono and Ellie.

Ready, set … go!

“I’m feeling pretty good ‘cause I have Jono” Ellie giggles. “Everyone says I’m glowing!”

Are you sure they’re not saying you’re “gloating”?

“We’ve barely spent a day apart,” she coos.

Jono smiles at his new woman and sniffs her hair. “Can I have a kiss?”

She snuggles into him. “Naw bubs!”

We wish Jack would yell out something about muzzling them.

Lauren sips from her carafe of wine and glares across the table. Ellie glances over and their eyes meet.

“Lauren? Lauren? Are you … hurt?” Ellie asks, her voice dripping with mock empathy.

Mean Girl mode is promptly unlocked.

“Of course I’m hurt!” Lauren screams, her eyes welling up. “What the f**k! I have been made to feel like I am just this evil bitch who was cold! That I had these walls up, that I wasn’t giving this ‘nice guy’ a chance! But I felt in my gut something was off – and I was f**king right. I was painted in this picture by him that I’m this cold person – because I’m reactive and I use swear words … it’s like, that makes ME bad? It’s NEVER about what the other person does – it’s always about how I react. I’m sorry I’ve got a loud voice and I swear but that doesn’t make me a bad person!”

It’s an impassioned speech empowering sailors and gutter mouths everywhere.

Jono decides this is the perfect time to tell his ex exactly what he thinks of her.

“You’re the nastiest person I’ve ever met in my life, Lauren,” he declares. “You are horrible!”

When that wannabe podcaster who was married to Ellie starts piping up, Jono hits back with our new favourite catchphrase.

“Shush ya face!” he squeals.

This is when Ellie drops the innocent facade and launches in on Lauren.

“I left the experiment in week five, you f**king b**ch!”

Everyone lets out a collective gasp. The outburst leaves Lucinda spinning like a white-winged dove.

Ellie looks at Lauren and cackles. “Bitch.”

When it comes to insults, Lauren could destroy this husband stealer. After all, this is the same woman who coined the slurs “leprechaun with a topknot” and “glazed Christmas ham”. But she’s too hurt to even try.

You know what would calm things down a little? If Jono went and told Sara her husband Tim isn’t keen on her anymore.

“I heard Tim felt like he was rushed at final vows and if he did have that time he would’ve made a different decision,” Jono yells across the table for absolutely no reason.

Cut to Sara, burning down Trash Tower in five, four, three, two …

Tim scrambles.

“I didn’t say I WOULD’VE made a different decision, I said I POTENTIALLY could’ve,” he tells his furious wife.

Sara looms over him and wags her finger in his face. “You say the stupidest shit, Tim! Why would you say that? WHY? WHY?”

Gee, we can’t think of any reason at all.

OK, freaks, can we all just agree to not say any more nasty things about each oth-

“Hey, Tim, you don’t think you deserve better than Sara? We all f**kin’ do!” Jono heckles.

Oh honestly. The only people who deserve better in this twisted TV show is us.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir